Goin' All The Way! (1982)

The story of Artie Mulligan, a frustrated teen who's trying to get his girlfriend Monica to surrender to his lustful urges. His wiseguy best pal Reggie tries to help out, but mostly just causes trouble. They hang out at the malt shop, encounter mud wrestlers, and attempt to cheat on their girlfriends by making out with pre-operative transsexuals...but it's all for naught. This one, like Hot Times, this also seems to have been directly lifted from the Archie comic books. Released at the height of the post-Porky's "nerds n' virgins" teenage sex craze, this movie is typical of its genre...raunchy and stupid. The first movie for Eileen Davidson of The Young And The Restless. She's got topless scenes, if you care.

Hot Times (1974)

The low-budget story of a horny teen named Archie Anders, his hungry pal Mughead, his arch-rival Reggy, and his girl pals Bette and Ronnie. Sound familiar? Archie's desperate to get him some lovin' before that big ball in Times Square drops and ushers in the brand-spankin' new year of 1974. Predictably, there's bad acting and lots of nudity...nothing you haven't seen before. For fun, try and see how many times the boom mike drops into the shot. Or maybe, try and guess what these people are doing attending high school on New Year's Eve. Haven't you people ever heard of Christmas break? I've long believed that this movie was suppressed by the notoriously litigious and powerful people who make Archie Comics, and it appears to have been edited quickly and sloppily. For example, odd "koo-koo" sounds cover certain offensive words, but not others...it reeks of post-production tampering. Starring a bunch of nobodies that you never heard of, most of whom never worked in the business again.

California Hot Wax (1992)

Not to be confused with American Hot Wax, the 1978 flick that launched the white-hot career of comic Jay Leno, this is just another so-called "skin flick". Yep, it's one of those movies, where girls in bikinis (or less) wash people's cars for 78 minutes. A couple of L.A. waitresses lose their jobs and head out to an abandoned car wash to clean up. Horny passers-by see the babes hosing each other down and offer to pay to have their cars washed. And thus, an idea is born...one that's been done better in other movies. Is this a rip-off of The Bikini Carwash Company, or vice-versa? Either way, this film isn't as good as that one. Question: wouldn't the water be turned off at an abandoned car wash? Something to think about. Seriously lacking in nudity for a film of this genre. Avoid at all costs.

Bikini Car Wash Company 2 (1993)

The inevitable sequel to the low-budget skinflick The Bikini Carwash Company has a twist. The idealistic young man from the first film has gone to join the Peace Corps, and the car wash is now in the hands of his girlfriend (Kristi Ducati). She repays his trust by having sex with strangers in the back of a limo and selling the company to a greedy industrialist. The deal goes sour and she must come up with ten million dollars within a week to buy back "her" company. Naturally, her brain-damaged pals work up an incredible scheme: they go into the offices of The Miracle Network, a local religious channel, and use sex to bribe the officials into using their facilities to sell sexy underwear. Despite obvious FCC objections, the scheme is nevertheless an incredible success. Doesn't quite measure up to the high artistic standards set by the first Carwash film, and even director Ed Hansen sat this one out, leaving it in less competent hands. For a supposed "sex film", it's actually pretty tame.

Bikini Car Wash Company (1992)

An enterprising young man comes to California for the summer to help out at his uncle's car wash, but is conned by a goup of nubile young beach bunnies into turning it into a topless joint. Then all the city officials try to close it down, especially the Mayor...who turns out to be a perverted flasher who wears pantyhose over his head. Available in both 'R" and 'Unrated' versions....with the difference being added sex scenes (I assume). Directed by Ed Hansen, who brought us the immortal classic Takin' It Off (as well as its sequel) and the early-1970s dino-porn epic One Million Years AC/DC. Surprise cameo by b-movie prodigy Jim Wynorski as a crusty carwash employee.

Die Watching (1992)

Stupid premise for a movie: Christopher Atkins (The Blue Lagoon) is a video professional who specializes in snuff films. He calls girls into his private studio and gets them to strip. Just when they get all heated up and want to get it on, he ties them to a chair and kills them by suffocation. He's a troubled guy. Through a flashback, we see the traumatic childhood event that made him this way. As a kid, he uses his super-8 camera to film his dad in bed with a couple of floozies. Then his mom bursts in and wastes the guy, then eats her gun, and he films the whole thing. I don't know if it would turn me into a killer, but it would certainly help put some shrink's kids though college. Back in the present, he meets the girl of his dreams, and guess what? She looks just like his mom. Stupid and predictable. Memo to Chris Atkins: if anybody comes up to you and acts like they want to spend some time with you, let them. Do NOT kill them by covering their head with a big Ziploc bag, especially if they happen to be an incredibly hot babe with a pair of cosangas that point toward Pluto. You need all the friends you can get. Think about it.

Sorority Girls and the Creature From Hell (1992)

These movies are never as good as their titles. Confusing crap about some girls who spend the night battling a guy in a mail-order monster mask. Pretty lousy, and even the girls aren't that attractive. Also, even though the "monster" is killed at the end, it has to have one of those types of endings so that (just in case it made money) there could be a sequel. Well, it didn't, and there won't. How many ways can I say that this just isn't a very good movie? Bad lighting, bad special effects, bad script, bad acting, bad everything. Not "so bad it's good"-type bad that you'll get with old Ed Wood films, either. Just bad. Stay away from this movie. Far away.