Haunting Fear (1992)

Good-looking Brinke Stevens stars as a young housewife who thinks her husband (Jay Richardson) and his busty secretary (Delia Sheppard) are trying to drive her crazy. More of a horror movie than anything else, with lots of nudity...a good opportunity to decide whether you like your scream queens full-bodied or flat. Another gem from b-movie master Fred Olen Ray, and only 80 minutes long.

2000 Maniacs (1965)

Bet you won't see this one on your local PBS station! Some young adults stumble upon a haunted town (full of people apparently killed in the Civil War) and proceed to get murdered in some creatively gruesome ways. Way ahead of its time in the blood-and-guts department, this actually the third part of Herschell Gordon Lewis' "gore trilogy" (after 1963's Blood Feast and 1964's Color Me Blood Red). Most of the special effects are good, even by today's standards, but the acting is really bad. This movie grossed me out in multiple ways.

Orgy of the Dead (1965)

A horror writer and his girlfriend go to a graveyard in the middle of the night for "inspiration". Seems he gets his best ideas in the middle of the night, in spooky graveyards. Or something. They get abducted by some unconvncing "monsters" and are forced to watch as the "King of the Dead" (famous crank psychic Criswell) judges the "creatures of the night". These "creatures", of course, are actually a bunch of topless go-go dancers doing their acts. Not much plot beyond that, but compelling nonetheless...and probably pretty hot stuff for 1965. Lots of the stupid dialogue, especially Criswell's opening and closing remarks ("Monsters to be pitied...monsters to be despised!") was copied word for word from the 1959 classic Night Of The Ghouls. Based on the "novel" by b-movie legend Ed Wood (which wasn't even published until after this movie was released). A genuine Ed Wood product, directed by his friend and frequent co-conspirator A.C. Stephen. Incredibly brain-dead, but hilariously bad and entertaining. One of my favorites.

Bikini Bistro (1995)

Stupid softcore flick about a Penthouse Pet (Amy Lynn Baxter) who just happens to run a vegetarian restaurant in New York City. The place is a failure until '70s porn queen Marilyn Chambers arrives to spice the place up by making the silicone-reinforced waitresses wear lingere and bikinis. Chambers has to be well into her 50s by now...but she still looks pretty decent here. She doesn't even TRY to act anymore, though...every movie she's made in the last decade or more (especially for the late Chuck Vincent), she's played herself. Weak straight-to-video and/or Cnemax junk made by Private Screenings.

School Spirit (1985)

Stupid supernatural college sex comedy about a teenager who dies but comes back from the dead to get 24 hours to score with girls. Pretty weak, but benefits from the presence of M.A.S.H. star Larry Linville and some well-assembled co-eds. Probably as a joke, the film's writers called the kid "Billy Batson" (the name of the kid in comics who says "Shazam" and becomes Captain Marvel). Of course you know the ending: he cheats death so he can star in the sequel that never gets made.

Body Waves (1992)

A clean-cut young wiseguy decides he doesn't want to take over his father's business (selling a product called Ano-Recto cream), so he and his gnarly surfer pal try selling suntan lotion. When that ploy fails, some computer nerds offer to pay them $3000 to learn how to score with babes. Of course, the nerds have a supercomputer called Clarissa (which looks like something assembled from visiting the set of Sanford and Son) that advises the only logical course of action...turn the nerds into overnight rap stars and help save the hero's mother's radio station from the clutches of a sleazy politician (Larry Linville from M.A.S.H.)!!! Lots and lots of plot in this one, kids...much of it apparently recycled from the 1984 classic Hardbodies. Some funny dialogue in some places, though.

Midnight Tease (1994)

Weak slasher/nudie flick, with an average of better than one naked breast per minute. Go ahead, time it. I'll wait. A really stacked stripper (Cassandra Leigh, aka Lisa Boyle) keeps having dreams about death and murder. And then she finds out her hot, stacked co-workers are being murdered, and she's a suspect. Turns out the real killer is...nah, you'll figure it out three minutes into the film. Short, about 75 minutes, but not painless. Nice looking babes, though. Bears more than a passing resemblance to the Stripped To Kill films, which were also made by low-budget master Roger Corman's Concorde/New Horizons Pictures.

Goin' All The Way! (1982)

The story of Artie Mulligan, a frustrated teen who's trying to get his girlfriend Monica to surrender to his lustful urges. His wiseguy best pal Reggie tries to help out, but mostly just causes trouble. They hang out at the malt shop, encounter mud wrestlers, and attempt to cheat on their girlfriends by making out with pre-operative transsexuals...but it's all for naught. This one, like Hot Times, this also seems to have been directly lifted from the Archie comic books. Released at the height of the post-Porky's "nerds n' virgins" teenage sex craze, this movie is typical of its genre...raunchy and stupid. The first movie for Eileen Davidson of The Young And The Restless. She's got topless scenes, if you care.

Hot Times (1974)

The low-budget story of a horny teen named Archie Anders, his hungry pal Mughead, his arch-rival Reggy, and his girl pals Bette and Ronnie. Sound familiar? Archie's desperate to get him some lovin' before that big ball in Times Square drops and ushers in the brand-spankin' new year of 1974. Predictably, there's bad acting and lots of nudity...nothing you haven't seen before. For fun, try and see how many times the boom mike drops into the shot. Or maybe, try and guess what these people are doing attending high school on New Year's Eve. Haven't you people ever heard of Christmas break? I've long believed that this movie was suppressed by the notoriously litigious and powerful people who make Archie Comics, and it appears to have been edited quickly and sloppily. For example, odd "koo-koo" sounds cover certain offensive words, but not others...it reeks of post-production tampering. Starring a bunch of nobodies that you never heard of, most of whom never worked in the business again.

California Hot Wax (1992)

Not to be confused with American Hot Wax, the 1978 flick that launched the white-hot career of comic Jay Leno, this is just another so-called "skin flick". Yep, it's one of those movies, where girls in bikinis (or less) wash people's cars for 78 minutes. A couple of L.A. waitresses lose their jobs and head out to an abandoned car wash to clean up. Horny passers-by see the babes hosing each other down and offer to pay to have their cars washed. And thus, an idea is born...one that's been done better in other movies. Is this a rip-off of The Bikini Carwash Company, or vice-versa? Either way, this film isn't as good as that one. Question: wouldn't the water be turned off at an abandoned car wash? Something to think about. Seriously lacking in nudity for a film of this genre. Avoid at all costs.

Bikini Car Wash Company 2 (1993)

The inevitable sequel to the low-budget skinflick The Bikini Carwash Company has a twist. The idealistic young man from the first film has gone to join the Peace Corps, and the car wash is now in the hands of his girlfriend (Kristi Ducati). She repays his trust by having sex with strangers in the back of a limo and selling the company to a greedy industrialist. The deal goes sour and she must come up with ten million dollars within a week to buy back "her" company. Naturally, her brain-damaged pals work up an incredible scheme: they go into the offices of The Miracle Network, a local religious channel, and use sex to bribe the officials into using their facilities to sell sexy underwear. Despite obvious FCC objections, the scheme is nevertheless an incredible success. Doesn't quite measure up to the high artistic standards set by the first Carwash film, and even director Ed Hansen sat this one out, leaving it in less competent hands. For a supposed "sex film", it's actually pretty tame.

Bikini Car Wash Company (1992)

An enterprising young man comes to California for the summer to help out at his uncle's car wash, but is conned by a goup of nubile young beach bunnies into turning it into a topless joint. Then all the city officials try to close it down, especially the Mayor...who turns out to be a perverted flasher who wears pantyhose over his head. Available in both 'R" and 'Unrated' versions....with the difference being added sex scenes (I assume). Directed by Ed Hansen, who brought us the immortal classic Takin' It Off (as well as its sequel) and the early-1970s dino-porn epic One Million Years AC/DC. Surprise cameo by b-movie prodigy Jim Wynorski as a crusty carwash employee.

Die Watching (1992)

Stupid premise for a movie: Christopher Atkins (The Blue Lagoon) is a video professional who specializes in snuff films. He calls girls into his private studio and gets them to strip. Just when they get all heated up and want to get it on, he ties them to a chair and kills them by suffocation. He's a troubled guy. Through a flashback, we see the traumatic childhood event that made him this way. As a kid, he uses his super-8 camera to film his dad in bed with a couple of floozies. Then his mom bursts in and wastes the guy, then eats her gun, and he films the whole thing. I don't know if it would turn me into a killer, but it would certainly help put some shrink's kids though college. Back in the present, he meets the girl of his dreams, and guess what? She looks just like his mom. Stupid and predictable. Memo to Chris Atkins: if anybody comes up to you and acts like they want to spend some time with you, let them. Do NOT kill them by covering their head with a big Ziploc bag, especially if they happen to be an incredibly hot babe with a pair of cosangas that point toward Pluto. You need all the friends you can get. Think about it.

Sorority Girls and the Creature From Hell (1992)

These movies are never as good as their titles. Confusing crap about some girls who spend the night battling a guy in a mail-order monster mask. Pretty lousy, and even the girls aren't that attractive. Also, even though the "monster" is killed at the end, it has to have one of those types of endings so that (just in case it made money) there could be a sequel. Well, it didn't, and there won't. How many ways can I say that this just isn't a very good movie? Bad lighting, bad special effects, bad script, bad acting, bad everything. Not "so bad it's good"-type bad that you'll get with old Ed Wood films, either. Just bad. Stay away from this movie. Far away.

Beauty School (1992)

Another non-hit from the folks who keep bringing out those new Marilyn Chambers movies, Private Screenings. Even Marilyn was nowhere to be found when they made this one, though, so they had to rely on the sheer star power of badly-aging 1970s Euro-sex queen Sylvia Kristel (Emmanuelle). Well, good luck. Kristel peaked in 1981 with the horny-teen classic Private Lessons, and has been in serious decline ever since. And, although very beautiful, she never could act. Unlike Marilyn Chambers and many of her fellow fallen sex goddesses, Sylvia has apparently failed to heed the call of the plastic surgeon's trusty knife...so she looks like a naked 50-year-old woman here. Anyway, the story is a ridiculous bit of froth about "Bra King" Otis P. Otis and his search for the perfect pair of breasts to represent his product. Dumb. Incredibly, resoundingly dumb. Kristel, of course, plays herself. Former 1970s porn star Jane Hamilton (a.k.a. Veronica Hart) appears to be attempting an emarrassingly extended Elvira impersonation thoughout the film. 75% of the film takes place in a club called Goldfinger's, for which this appears to be an extended commercial.

Sorceress (1994)

Directed by breast-obsessed cult movie genius Jim Wynorski, and not to be confused with the titillating 1982 film with the same title (which Wynorski also wrote), this is yet another one of those so-called "erotic thrillers". It's about a guy who thinks he's being haunted by his busty, yet dead, girlfriend (Penthouse Pet Julie Strain), but it's really just his evil, yet busty, neighbor (a fully-clothed Linda Blair) performing Satanic rituals to get revenge on him. Meanwhile, his busty new girlfriend (Rochelle Swanson) is slowly being transformed into the mirror image of is dead ex, and there's nothing even her busty best friend (Penthouse Pet Kristina Ducati) or the dead girl's also-busty pal (Toni Naples) can do to prevent it. Yep, some directors have all the luck. Co-produced by low-budget master Fred Olen Ray, and hindered only by a predictable and stupid ending. Randy-Bob says check it out.

Sorceress (1982)

Sword-and-sorcery epic distinguished only by a snappy script from b-movie sleaze king Jim Wynorski. The story concerns a pair of twins (Leigh and Lynnette Harris) who share a psychic bond (as well as a non-psychic DD-cup size). One of the many, many such films made during the early-1980s post-Conan craze. Not great, but I thought I'd mention it because one of the twins (don't ask me which one) later stood trial for murder. Wynorski later gave an unrelated (and marginally better) 1994 film the same title. Better watch that one instead.

Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders (1989)

I'll be honest with you. I've seen a lot of movies, I mean a lot of movies, boy, and this is the damndest thing I've ever seen. I sat, mouth wide open, in sheer amazement from what I was seeing on the screen. I can't even describe it now. It's the sequel to the original 1974 Flesh Gordon, a notorious movie in itself. It concerns Flesh, Dale Ardor, and their scientist friend Dr. Jerkoff trying to save the universe from some kind of evil impotence ray, all the while having adventures in the most disgusting places. Giant penis creatures? This movie's got 'em. Turd people? Check. Grown men dressed like babies? Affirmative. Chicken sex? You bet. Ben Kingsley, Academy Award-winning best actor from Ghandi? Of course not. Don't be silly. Let's just say that, no matter who you are, there's something in this movie that will probably gross you out...something that will make you say "No way is this happening." A sleazy, weird, imaginative movie...not for the weak of heart. The cast largely consists of unknowns, but does feature silicone-enhanced dreamgirl Melissa Mounds, of Hustler Busty Beauties fame. Not a porn film, but probably not something you'll find at Wal-Mart, either.

Takin' It All Off (1987)

Sequel to the immortal 1984 classic Takin' It Off is actually a better film. A shy gal wants to become a stripper, but is so modest that she has to be hypnotized in order to do it. Every time she hears a particular song, she automatically starts a striptease act! But the song is a big hit, and she hears it everywhere...even in the park and in restaurants. The song itself, though, is so bad, so infinitely stupid, that no one would have ever recorded it. Watch it for the great cast (populated mostly with former porn stars and strippers). Featuring watermelon-chested dreamgirl Kitten Natividad and the ever-present Becky LeBeau (who has never looked better). Director Ed Hansen made a lot of other brainless 1980s nudie films, including Party Favors and Party Plane.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

This was actually filmed in 1960 under the title The Head That Wouldn't Die, but it was so bad it was locked away for a few years. It's the story of an irresponsible (but gifted) young heart surgeon who accidentally kills his fiancee in a car crash. He takes the severed head and puts it into a shallow baking pan, hooks some wires to her head, and she starts talking. He feels bad about killing her, so he decides to go find the perfect body for her. Of course, this means that he'll have to kill somebody else, but he at least gets points for effort. He interviews some stripper babes and a photographer's model who hates men. Mostly he just drives around a lot, though. Meanwhile, the severed head chick has developed a friendship with the doc's other experiment, a hideous mutant that is locked in the closet. The creature eventually escapes and exacts a terrible vengeance on everyone involved. This usually pops up on "Worst Movie Of All Time" lists, and with good reason. The guy who played the young doctor was so ashamed of this film that he changed his name. Horrendously bad, and therefore enormously entertaining. You must see this movie.

Getting In (1994)

I rented this title because of misleading box photos that indicated that I might get to see a naked Kristy Swanson (Deadly Friend). Instead, I get 90 excrutiating minutes of a lame, boring "dark" whodunit about some students getting bumped off one by one by an unknown killer. Pointless and stupid. And no Kristy Swanson nekkid, neither. BRAT PACK ALERT: Andrew McCarthy. He not only stars in this film, but he's the killer. He did it. Now you don't have to waste your time renting it.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Quite scandalous in its time (it was originally released with an X-rating), this would hardly even merit an 'R' these days. It's the familiar story of a group of female singers who go to L.A. looking for fame, but instead find drugs, lesbians, and Nazi war criminals. This is highly spoken of as one of the greatest American films of all time or something, but I don't see what the big deal is. Maybe it's because it was co-written by an obscure film student who soon gave up a career as a screenwriter to pursue one where he could more easily bash the work of others...Roger Ebert. This is not a lie. Directed by the great breast-obsessed filmmaker Russ Meyer, and featuring a bevvy of gravity-defyin' babes...who mostly talk a lot and keep their clothes on. Pretty tame, so you might want to check out Meyer's superior boob flick Supervixens instead.

Fairy Tales (1978)

A musical adaptation of several children's fairy tales...like Little Bo Peep, Snow White, and many others we all grew up with. So, what's the catch? Glad you asked. These are the adult versions of these classic tales, with raunchy humor and full-frontal nudity. The little old lady who lived in a shoe? She now runs a bordello. Ha ha. Snow White? Bumpin' uglies with a bed full of dwarves. Nyuk, nyuk. As you might guess, it all gets pretty old fast. One thing I have to say, though, is that some of the songs aren't that bad. And there's the old guy at the end of the film trying to sell official licensed Fairy Tales merchandise, and I think he is hysterical. Other than that, it's no big deal. Mostly notable for the first appearance of b-movie scream queen Linnea Quigley. Linnea has appeared in dozens of horror films, and she dies in almost every one. She appears at the end of the film (as Sleeping Beauty), and does a different kind of screaming here...if you know what I mean.

Forbidden Zone (1980)

I can personally guarantee that this is one of the most bizarre movie experiences you'll ever have. A weirdo family moves into a house that happens to have a portal to the Sixth Dimension in the basement (I hate it when that happens). Filmed in black-and-white, with lots of 1930s-style musical numbers. 1970s pop-culture oddity Herve Villechaize (Tattoo from Fantasy Island) gives the performance of his life as Fausto, the Midget King. Bonus points: the whole thing is a good 20 minutes shorter than The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Also, there's some nudity, and Danny Elfman (famous movie-composer-guy and member of the band Oingo Boingo) sings Cab Calloway's "Minnie The Moocher" while portraying Satan. Just thought you'd like to know.

Bellboy and the Playgirls (1962)

Absolutely fascinating early-1960s nudie flick. Seems somebody took black-and-white footage from a tame Italian drama and mixed it with color framing sequences of a hapless bellboy who keeps encountering semi-naked women. It's all pretty wacky stuff. I like the older nudie films because they still have that "forbidden" feel to them...not like today's harder R and X-rated films that are just plain dirty. Know what I mean? The young genius that put this all together was a young Francis Ford Coppola, whom you might recognize from some movies he directed in the 1970s. This was also released to theaters as The Playgirls And The Bellboy, as if that would fool anybody.

Wicked Lady (1983)

Pretty much a standard costume yawner starring Faye Dunaway as an 18th-century sociopath. Essential to horny fans of Star Trek: The Next Generation because of Marina Sirtis' extensive nude scenes an hour into the flick. A warning, though: this was pre-nosejob for Counselor Troi, and she's practically unrecognizable without her Starfleet uniform (not that I'm complaining). Released on video by MGM-UA...who foolishly forgot to use a copyguard to keep me from taping it onto my VCR. KA-CHING!